- A -
A bachelor is one who enjoys the chase but does not eat the game.
A Treasury of Humorous Quotations

A Camel is a Horse designed by committee.

A guitarist is only as good as his drummer and bassist.

A man's libido is nine-tenths testosterone.

A proof tells us where to concentrate our doubts.

A rolling stone gathers no moss, so there's nothing to cushion the impact when it hits.

A test of whether you have achieved true fame is when a deranged person believes himself to be you.
BBC Radio Quote ... Unquote

A wise old owl lived in an oak.
The more he saw the less he spoke.
The less he spoke the more he heard.
Why can't we all be like that wise old bird.

Accept nothing, challenge everything.

[Accountancy is] a profession whose idea of excitement is sharpening a bundle of No. 2 pencils.
Time Magazine

Act quickly... but not too quickly.

Actions speak louder than words.

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
Farmer's Almanac

All or nothing, now.

All that glitters is not gold, there's brass and copper or it might be plated!

All the world is mad, except thee and me, and even thee's a little mad at times.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. The trick is learning how hard to throw.

An apple, an egg, and a nut, you may eat after a slut.

An elephant never forgets.

And all the people say?

Anger is a thief who steals away the nice moments.

Another day another dollar.

Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone truly special to catch your heart.

Anything good or bad lies in your eyes.

Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

As you move through life, set aside good ideas and give them to others to encourage and inspire.

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.

At least those with closed minds never have to worry about their brains gathering dust.

Attitude. The difference between winners and losers.

Attitude: the difference between squashing and being squashed.

- B -
Be on the world, not of it...As a waterdrop on a lotusleaf...

Beauty fades away.

Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.

Begin with the end in mind.

Better a smartass than a dumbass.

Better lucky than good.

Better smart than beautiful.

- C -

- D -
Definition of a philosopher: a philosopher is a blind man in a dark cellar at midnight looking for a black cat that isn't there. He is distinguished from a theologian, in that the theologian finds the cat. He is also distinguished from a lawyer, who smuggles in a cat in his overcoat pocket, and emerges to produce it in triumph.
Cornell Law Quarterly

- E -
Experience is the comb that Nature gives us when we are bald.
Belgian Proverb

- F -

Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.
French Proverb

- G -
Getting money is like digging with a needle; spending it is like water soaking into sand.
Japanese Proverb

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
BBC Radio Quote ... Unquote

- H -

- I -
I love a Martini, said Mabel,
I only have two at the most,
After three, I am under the table,
After four, I am under my host.

A Christmas Cracker

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

If the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine as old as the fish, and the fish as young as the maid, and the maid as willing as the hostess, it would have been a very good meal.
BBC Radio Quote ... Unquote

If you are planning for one year, plant rice. If you are planning for ten years plant trees. If you are planning for 100 years plant people.
Indian Proverb

If you tell the truth, it becomes part of your past.
If you tell a lie, it becomes part of your future.

In the country of the blind the one-eyed man is king.
Old Proverb

It takes seventy-two muscles to frown, but only thirteen to smile.
The Yearbook of Comfort and Joy

It's never right to do anyone wrong.

- J -

- K -
Keep your government hands off my Medicare.
Health care reform town hall meeting in Simpsonville, South Carolina on July 28, 2009.

- L -

- M -

Marriage is the price men pay for sex; sex is the price women pay for marriage.

- N -

Never marry for money, but marry where money is.

- O -

On the door to success it says: push and pull.
A Treasury of Humorous Quotations

- P -

Publicity is easy to get. Just be so successful you don't need it, and then you'll get it.
A Treasury of Humorous Quotations

- Q -

- R -

- S -

She was poor but she was honest,
Victim of a rich man's game.
First he loved her, then he left her,
And she lost her maiden name ...
It's the same the whole world over,
It's the poor wot gets the blame,
It's the rich wot gets the gravy.
Ain't it all a bleedin' shame?

Cassell's Humorous Quotations

Some time when you're feeling important
Some time when your ego's in bloom
Some time when you feel you are
The best qualified man in the room,
Some time when you feel that your going
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow this simple instruction
And see how it humbles the soul.
Take a bucket and fill it with water
Place your hands in it up to your wrists
Take them out and the hole that remains
Is a measure of how you'll be missed.
You may splash all you like as they enter
You may stir up the water galore
But take them out and in just a moment
It will look just the same as before.
The moral of this is quite simple
Just do the best that you can.
Be proud of yourself but remember
There is no indispensable man.

Cassell's Humorous Quotations

Someone has said that the ideal life is to live in an English country home, engage a Chinese cook, marry a Japanese wife, and take a French mistress.
With Love and Irony

Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

- T -
The codfish lays ten thousand eggs
The homely hen lays one.
The codfish never cackles
To tell you that she's done.
And so we scorn the codfish,
While the humble hen we prize,
Which only goes to show you
That it pays to advertise.

Bartlett's Familiar Quotations

The duty of a newspaper is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.
Mencken's Dictionary of Quotations

The more you invest in technology, actually, the less productive your people are.

The rich would have to eat money if the poor did not provide food.
Russian Proverb

The secret of life is not to do what you like but to like what you do.

The waist is a terrible thing to mind.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste.

There are three kinds of lie: a small lie, a big lie and politics.
Time Magazine

There are three statements that you should never believe: (1) A cheque is in the post; (2) I am from the Government and I am here to help you; (3) Of course, darling, I will still respect you in the morning.
Cassell's Humorous Quotations

There is no limit to what a man can do or where he can go, if he doesn't mind who gets the credit.
Ronald Reagan's office.

This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it. Nobody realized Everybody wouldn't do it. In the end, Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.
Financial Times

- U -

- V -

- W -
We're born and then we die, what will you do in the meantime?

What the brassière said to the top hat: You go on ahead while I give these two a lift.
A Gentleman Publisher's Commonplace Book

When God gave out heads,
I thought He said Beds,
and I asked for a soft one.

When God gave out looks,
I thought He said books,
and I didn't want any.

When God gave out noses,
I thought He said roses
and I asked for a red one.

When God gave out ears,
I thought He said beers,
and I asked for two big ones.

When God gave out chins,
I thought He said gins,
and I asked for a double.

When God gave out brains,
I thought He said trains
and I said I'd take the next one.

When God gave out legs,
I thought He said kegs,
so I ordered two fat ones.

Since then I'm trying to listen better.

Cassell's Humorous Quotations

When the client moans and sighs
Make his logo twice the size.
If he still should prove refractory,
Show a picture of a factory.
Only in the gravest cases
Should you show the clients' faces.

Ogilvy on Advertising

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
Honey Fitz

Women's faults are many
Men have only two:
Everything they say
And everything they do.

Cassell's Humorous Quotations

- X -

- Y -

You ain't learnin' nothing when you're talking.
Lyndon B. Johnson's office.

You don't have to be mad to work here - but it helps.

- Z -