Roseanne Barr
Full Name: Roseanne Cherrie Barr
Birthdate: November 3, 1952
Birthplace: Salt Lake City, Utah, USA
Occupation: Actor, Comedian, Director, Producer, and Writer
Profile: Best known for
Roseanne.
Website: http://www.roseanneworld.com/
Number of Quotes: 118
A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get
rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.
A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the Roseanne
show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.
Advertising is to a genuine article what manure is to land—it largely increases the product.
After my 1985 appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,
I was
wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.
And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.
Anyone with a show on T.V. will tell you it's backbreaking work. And if you have a big
personality, which I have, and you're a perfectionist, there's going to be head-butting.
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.
Beauty comes in all sizes - not just size 5.
Birth control that really works—every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.
Both the Democratic and Republican parties are bought and paid for by corporate America and cater to
the needs of the highest bidder as opposed to the people they claim to represent. I cannot be bought.
Comedy is the only hope for humanity.
Comedy is the ultimate truth. The reason people laugh is because they’re connecting to the truth. If it wasn’t the truth, they’d go, Huh?
Chicago Tribune (1990)
Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on
your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
Roseannearchy: Dispatches from the Nut Farm (2012)
Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks
and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room.
Everything that's written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of
its own, like an avalanche, and I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it.
Excuse the mess, but we live here.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
Facts and data, rather than opinion, are the two cornerstones of problem solving, and yet they are consistently
withheld from the people by American media. We must have facts and data in order to recognize where there is a problem!
Fortune always favors the brave, and never helps a man who does not help himself.
Growing up in a Jewish matriarchal world inside the patriarchal paradise of Salt Lake City, Utah, gave me increased perspective on gender issues, as it
also did my gay brother and my lesbian sister. Our younger sister is the perfect Jewish-American wife and mother, and is fiercely proud of that fact.
Housewives are all the same, they all want to be femme fatales. Then they get married and turn into detectives.
A recurring theme in her stand-up comedy routines during the 1980s.
Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and
I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never
having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too.
I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas.
I actually regard Facebook as a huge bore, but I cannot refrain from participating in it. I guess I
crave the feeling of hope it gives me to think that today will be different from yesterday, that I will find an
interesting comment or poke or video, and on the extremely rare occasion when that happens, I am just thrilled.
I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.
And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like Seinfeld,
Friends,
you know, Three and a Half Men.
I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But,
you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too.
I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.
I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver.
I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out.
I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy.
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.
I do kabbalistic meditation. It's not unlike time travel; it can change the past and not
just the future. You can look at what was lost and go beyond the grief of what was lost.
I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty.
I gave Joss Whedon and Judd Apatow their first writing jobs, as well as many other untried writers who went on to great success.
I had - after I sang the Star Spangled Banner
so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all my stuff kind of, like, really
got even more full blown and, you know, I got stage fright and, you know, I couldn't do stand-up anymore and let alone sing and all the other things.
I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.
I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.
I know that I pay 48 percent of my income to taxes. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't going just
to export war. If it was actually going to help the people of the United States, I would gladly pay more.
I like facts and data because they help me think clearly, beyond the cultural messages
that I ingest unwittingly, and sometimes find myself regurgitating almost unconsciously.
I like to get people talking. I am a provocateur, and I do like getting on Twitter and riling people
up. You know what, after a while some sane dialogue and sane conclusions come of that kind of thing.
I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.
I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful.
I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word housewife.
I prefer to be called domestic goddess.
I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this
opportunity to ask both Romney and
Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys -
I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice.
I think I should be here alone to rethink the world - I do. I want these lesser humans gone.
I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird?
I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's
what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.
I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, This is what I think; there's the truth.
I try to think of
stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff.
I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.
I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.
I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just
make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did.
I was completely nuts for most of my life.
I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust.
I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real
hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.
I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more
importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election.
I wish I'd done a tenth year of the Roseanne
show.
I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.
I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and
grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool.
I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference.
I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.
I'm God because I have the power to control my mind.
I'm kosher except for times where I eat pork and shellfish.
I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get
married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.
I'm not a domestic goddess unless you consider takeout a form of worship.
Roseanne: My Life as a Woman (1989)
I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
I'm tired of watching as men destroy all the world. Everything used to be beautiful when women were in charge, and now I,
working as the physical manifestation of the goddess Isis and the reincarnation of Cleopatra, have decided to save the world.
I'm very introspective, and I mostly don't talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place.
Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.
In America, the majority rules, but the minority are such poor losers they have to take to the streets.
Tweet from July 2017, commenting on political protests.
In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.
It's not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The
Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won't.
It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
Judaism is one of the last of the world's matrilineal philosophies. Matriarchies are always the cultures that patriarchy
attacks and decimates, because they don't spend all their money on the military like patriarchy does. They are easy prey.
Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this Earth have more than enough to transform
the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the pal
back in Palestinian.
Meditation state is a place of deep relaxation where you can pinpoint the things you do
and to set a paradigm switch from effect to cause. So how to be a cause in your own life.
muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby=vj.
Controversial tweet from May 29, 2018, referencing Valerie Jarrett, which led to the cancellation of her show Roseanne.
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
My real life is funnier than anything on TV.
Nobody wanted the Roseanne
show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family.
Nothing real or truthful makes its way to TV unless you are smart and know how to
sneak it in, and I would tell you how I did it, but then I would have to kill you.
One of the first things I bought when I made Roseanne Show
money was a farm in Iowa.
Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.
Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as
picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.
Politeness and civility are the best capital ever invested in business.
Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.
Take this marriage thing seriously—it has to last all the way to the divorce.
The American people are sick and tired of this lesser evil
garbage they get fed every
election year. Both the Democrats and the Republicans do the same evils once they're in office.
The best kind of charity is to help those who are willing to help themselves.
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment Roseanne
dropped out
of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous!
The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.
The foundation of success in life is good health: that is the substratum fortune; it is also the basis of happiness.
The noblest art is that of making others happy.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians.
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
People Magazine (1990)
There is no real third party in America. There's this one party that has two sides
to it - the Democratic and Republican side. It's one party that has two heads.
There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.
They've said Roseanne's nuts
for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!
To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little
off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes.
TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they
do. I wanted to be the first mom to be a mom on TV. I wanted to sent out a message about how us women really feel.
We're not meant to be parents when we're 50.
Whatever you do, do it with all your might. Work at it, early and late, in season and out of season, not
leaving a stone unturned, and never deferring for a single hour that which can be done just as well now.
When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself,
and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up on TV, and he'd tell me the subtext of what they were saying.
Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She
answered, Hey, why not you Roseanne?
Indeed, why not each of us?
Winning
in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary
smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.
Without promotion, something terrible happens... nothing!
Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that,
women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve.
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the
bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.
You can't break through Hollywood formulaic points of view. I've tried, and I think I was more successful than anybody at doing it.
You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship.
You know, I'm blessed. Blessed
is a better way of saying rich.
You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for
several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.
Last on Earth
