An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Was she old? When they lit all the candles on her birthday cake, six people were overcome with the heat.
A stockbroker is someone who takes all your money and invests it until it's gone.
I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Sex relieves tension - love causes it.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time.
I was told to avoid the business all together because of the rejection. People would say to me, 'Don't you want to have a normal job and a normal family?' I guess that would be good advice for some people, but I wanted to act.
I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that.
First person to fall asleep is a shit!
Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.
It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.
A human soul,that God has created and Christ died for,is not to be trifled with. It may tenant the body of a Chinaman, a Turk, an Arab or a Hottentot - it is still an immortal spirit.
How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
Is everybody happy? I want everybody to be happy. I know I'm happy.
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.
I believe that if ever I had to practice cannibalism, I might manage if there were enough tarragon.
I swear they're real!
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
The best proof of love is trust.
The market will pay better to entertain than educate.
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Too bad that all the people who really know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
A comfortable old age is the reward of a well-spent youth. Instead of its bringing sad and melancholy prospects of decay, it would give us hopes of eternal youth in a better world.
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it.
We've put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy it.
I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.
The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting poorer.
I think there's a terrific merit in having no sense of humour, no sense of irony, practically no sense of anything at all. If you're born with these so-called defects you have a very good chance of getting to the top. That's what's enabled her [Mrs. Thatcher] to turn Britain into a cross between Singapore and Telford.
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten-pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
When you become senile, you won't know it.
That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted.
When a defining moment comes along, you define the moment, or the moment defines you.
Goodnight my darlings, I'll see you tomorrow.
Damn it ... Don't you dare ask God to help me.
Men get laid, but women get screwed.
The whole business of marshaling one's energies becomes more and more important as one grows older.
That was a great game of golf, fellers.
To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
Old age is no place for sissies.
Middle age is youth without levity, and age without decay.
The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.
Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.
Only the gentle are ever really strong.
That guy's got to stop ... he'll see us.
The gratification comes in the doing, not in the results.
Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact.
We're not quarrelling! We're in complete agreement! We hate each other!
I've never felt better.
I can see Russia from my house!
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake - which I also keep handy.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
Never give a sucker an even break.
So people think I'm lying about my age all the time? It's the records that are wrong. I've never told anyone how old I am. The minute they ask me, I sayThat's none of your business.So that means I've never once lied about my age. Now that's true!
I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it.
If the career you have chosen has some unexpected inconvenience, console yourself by reflecting that no career is without them.
You know you're getting old when all the names in your black book have M.D. after them.
Love is a game that two can play and both win.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
Money talks, they say. All it ever said to me wasgoodbye.
To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
Life is very insistent; and it always seems to be so when friends sadly leave us.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.
Being in jail is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. During the past several days, I have had a lot of time to think and I believe that I am learning and growing from this experience ... I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things like the men and women serving our country in Iraq and other places around the world.
I'll see you at the debates, bitches.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Lawyers are nothing but professional liars.
If you haven't struck oil in your first three minutes, stop boring!
To me, good health is more than just exercise and diet. It's really a point of view and a mental attitude you have about yourself.
A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at.
A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough.
A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.
All fixed set patterns are incapable of adaptability or pliability. The truth is outside of all fixed patterns.
Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successfull personality and duplicate it.
As you think, so shall you become.
Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth. To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one's potential.
I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine.
If you always put limit on everything you do, physical or anything else. It will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.
If you love life, don't waste time, for time is what life is made up of.
If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you'll never get it done.
It's not the daily increase but daily decrease. Hack away at the unessential.
Knowledge will give you power, but character respect.
Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.
Man, the living creature, the creating individual, is always more important than any established style or system.
Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.
Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind.
Real living is living for others.
Showing off is the fool's idea of glory.
Take no thought of who is right or wrong or who is better than. Be not for or against.
Take things as they are. Punch when you have to punch. Kick when you have to kick.
The key to immortality is first to live a life worth remembering.
The less effort, the faster and more powerful you will be.
To hell with circumstances; I create opportunities.
To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person.
You just wait. I'm going to be the biggest Chinese Star in the world.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Age is other things too. It is wisdom, if one has lived one's life properly. It is experience and knowledge. And it is getting to know all the ways the world turns, so that if you cannot turn the world the way you want, you can at least get out of the way so you won't get run over.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.
I'm not that old.
Say good-bye to Pat, say good-bye to Jack and say good-bye to yourself, because you're a nice guy.
Age does not protect you from love, but love to some extent protects you from age.
I've been cushioned against having to work, with Rocky's continual bounty.
You can't shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I hope I haven't bored you.
Okay, I won't.
Oppan Gangnam style.
I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Nations do not mistrust each other because they are armed; they are armed because they mistrust each other.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans.
An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.
Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it.
Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.
It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
When I die, my epitaph, or whatever you call those signs on gravestones, is going to read:I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I dident like.I am so proud of that, I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved.
You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.
I'd rather die with my boots on than live on my fuckin' knees.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
I am on a drug. It's calledCharlie Sheen.It's not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.
The only thing that endures is character. Fame and wealth - all that is illusion.
I'm losing it.
It was totally a coincidence!
In the end, you're measured not by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.
I cried on my 18th birthday. I thought 17 was such a nice age. You're young enough to get away with things, but you're old enough, too.
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.
Don't worry chief, it will be alright.
Women are not in love with me but with the picture of me on the screen. I am merely the canvas on which women paint their dreams.
All of us should have free choice when it comes to patriotic displays... a government wisely acting within its bounds will earn loyalty and respect from its citizens. A government dare not demand the same.
As governor, there isn't a lot I can do beyond that to crack down on crime. Law enforcement is really a local issue. It's the cops' job to tighten down on criminals.
Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.
Government works less efficiently when it begins to grow out of control and takes on more and more of the responsibilities that belong to the citizens.
Government's role should be only to keep the playing field level, and to work hand in hand with business on issues such as employment. But beyond this, to as great an extent as possible, it should get the hell out of the way.
I also believe that government has no business telling us how we should live our lives. I think our lifestyle choices should be left up to us. What we do in our private lives is none of the government's business. That position rules out the Republican Party for me.
I asked Dalai Lama the most important question that I think you could ask - if he had ever seen Caddyshack.
I believe in the America people's ability to govern themselves. If government would just get out of the way and allow them to lead their lives as they choose, they will succeed.
I believe patriotism comes from the heart. Patriotism is voluntary. It is a feeling of loyalty and allegiance that is the result of knowledge and belief.
I decided to run for governor because I got mad... I want to make government more directly accountable to the people.
I don't believe we need the government's help as much as some think we do. That belief sets me apart from the Democrats, since their way of dealing with everything is to tax and spend.
I don't support abortion. I could never participate in one. But I think it would be a mistake to make them illegal again.
I don't think I would want the responsibility for enforcing the death penalties. There's always the inevitable question of whether someone you gave the order to execute might truly have been innocent.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life in politics. When I'm finished with my term as governor, I'm going back to the life that's waiting for me in the private sector.
I speak my mind. If it offends some people, well, there's not much I can do about that. But I'm going to be honest. I'm going to continue to speak my mind, and that's who I am.
I'm against the draft. I believe we should have a professional military; it might be smaller, but it would be more effective.
If I could be reincarnated as a fabric, I would come back as a 38 double-D bra.
If I wanna be president, I probably can.
If you were to come to Minnesota, I could have you locked up like that. That's power.
Industrial hemp is a very useful plant. I challenged the attorney general to get rid of the criminal stigma associated with hemp so we can look at it in terms of how it might be useful.
Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers. It tells people to go out and stick their noses in other people's business.
Patriotism is voluntary. It is a feeling of loyalty and allegiance that is the result of knowledge and belief. A patriot shows their their patriotism through their actions, by their choice.
Politics is not my life. I have a career in radio and another career in film.
Remember that government doesn't earn one single dollar it spends. In order for you to get money from the government, that money must first be taken from somebody else.
Students often approached me about state-paid tuition while I was out campaigning. After I explained to them that if the state pays their tuition now, they will pay higher taxes to pay other people's tuition for the rest of their lives, most of them ended up agreeing with me.
The Constitution guarantees us our rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That's all. It doesn't guarantee our rights to charity.
There are a lot of good causes out there, but they can't possibly all be served by government.
There is much more to being a patriot and a citizen than reciting the pledge or raising a flag.
There's no question that we need tougher drunk-driving laws for repeat offenders. We need to take a lesson from European countries where driving isn't a right but a privilege.
We call our country home of the brave and land of the free, but it's not. We give a false portrayal of freedom. We're not free - if we were, we'd allow people their freedom.
When the Constitution gave us the right to bear arms, it also made us responsible for using them properly. It's not fair of us as citizens to lean more heavily on one side of that equation than on the other.
Wrestling is ballet with violence.
You can't legislate morality.
You give me a water board, Dick Cheney and one hour, and I'll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders.
For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
I'm a born-again atheist.
I don't have a drink problem except when I can't get one.
Come up and see me sometime.
Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie.
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
Sex is emotion in motion.
When I'm bad I'm even better.
Carpe per diem.
Balding is God's way of showing you are only human ... he takes the hair off your head and sticks it in your ears.
I know - I'm just a son of a bitch.
I usually get my stuff from people who promised somebody else that they would keep it a secret.
Money sometimes makes fools of important persons, but it may also make important persons of fools.
Nothing recedes like success.
I was like a hit album waiting to be released. I knew my day would come.
The greatest contribution you can make to women's rights, is to be the absolute ... best at what you do.
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.
Take my wife-please.