A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

- A -
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Fred Allen

Was she old? When they lit all the candles on her birthday cake, six people were overcome with the heat.
Fred Allen

A stockbroker is someone who takes all your money and invests it until it's gone.
Woody Allen

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Woody Allen

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.
Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen

All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time.
Julie Andrews

I was told to avoid the business all together because of the rejection. People would say to me, 'Don't you want to have a normal job and a normal family?' I guess that would be good advice for some people, but I wanted to act.
Jennifer Aniston

- B -
I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that.
Lauren Bacall

Codeine...bourbon.
Tallulah Bankhead

First person to fall asleep is a shit!
Tallulah Bankhead

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.
Tallulah Bankhead

It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.
Brigitte Bardot

A human soul, that God has created and Christ died for, is not to be trifled with. It may tenant the body of a Chinaman, a Turk, an Arab or a Hottentot - it is still an immortal spirit.
P. T. Barnum

How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
P. T. Barnum

Is everybody happy? I want everybody to be happy. I know I'm happy.
Ethel Barrymore

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
John Barrymore

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.
James Beard

I believe that if ever I had to practice cannibalism, I might manage if there were enough tarragon.
James Beard

I swear they're real!
Victoria Beckham

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
Ingrid Bergman

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
Humphrey Bogart

The best proof of love is trust.
Joyce Brothers

The market will pay better to entertain than educate.
Warren Buffett

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Billie Burke

Too bad that all the people who really know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
George Burns

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
George Burns

- C -
A comfortable old age is the reward of a well-spent youth. Instead of its bringing sad and melancholy prospects of decay, it would give us hopes of eternal youth in a better world.
Maurice Chevalier

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
Maurice Chevalier

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it.
Frank Howard Clark

We've put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy it.
Frank Howard Clark

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.
John Cleese

The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting poorer.
Joan Collins

I think there's a terrific merit in having no sense of humour, no sense of irony, practically no sense of anything at all. If you're born with these so-called defects you have a very good chance of getting to the top. That's what's enabled her [Mrs. Thatcher] to turn Britain into a cross between Singapore and Telford.
Peter Cook

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten-pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
Tommy Cooper

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
Bill Cosby

When you become senile, you won't know it.
Bill Cosby

That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted.
Lou Costello

When a defining moment comes along, you define the moment, or the moment defines you.
Kevin Costner

Goodnight my darlings, I'll see you tomorrow.
Noel Coward

Damn it ... Don't you dare ask God to help me.
Joan Crawford

Men get laid, but women get screwed.
Quentin Crisp

The whole business of marshaling one's energies becomes more and more important as one grows older.
Hume Cronyn

That was a great game of golf, fellers.
Bing Crosby

To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
Jamie Lee Curtis

- D -
Old age is no place for sissies.
Bette Davis

Middle age is youth without levity, and age without decay.
Doris Day

The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.
Doris Day

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.
James Dean

Only the gentle are ever really strong.
James Dean

That guy's got to stop ... he'll see us.
James Dean

The gratification comes in the doing, not in the results.
James Dean

Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact.
Marlene Dietrich

- E -

- F -
We're not quarrelling! We're in complete agreement! We hate each other!
Nanette Fabray

I've never felt better.
Douglas Fairbanks Sr.

I can see Russia from my house!
Tina Fey

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake - which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields

So people think I'm lying about my age all the time? It's the records that are wrong. I've never told anyone how old I am. The minute they ask me, I say That's none of your business. So that means I've never once lied about my age. Now that's true!
Calista Flockhart

I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it.
Errol Flynn

If the career you have chosen has some unexpected inconvenience, console yourself by reflecting that no career is without them.
Jane Fonda

You know you're getting old when all the names in your black book have M.D. after them.
Harrison Ford

- G -
Love is a game that two can play and both win.
Eva Gabor

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
Ed Gardner

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
Judy Garland

Money talks, they say. All it ever said to me was goodbye.
Cary Grant

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
Cary Grant

Life is very insistent; and it always seems to be so when friends sadly leave us.
Alec Guinness

- H -
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
Helen Hayes

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
Audrey Hepburn

The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.
Audrey Hepburn

Being in jail is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. During the past several days, I have had a lot of time to think and I believe that I am learning and growing from this experience ... I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things like the men and women serving our country in Iraq and other places around the world.
Paris Hilton

I'll see you at the debates, bitches.
Paris Hilton

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Bob Hope

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
Bob Hope

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope

- I -

- J -
Lawyers are nothing but professional liars.
La Toya Jackson

If you haven't struck oil in your first three minutes, stop boring!
George Jessel

- K -

- L -
To me, good health is more than just exercise and diet. It's really a point of view and a mental attitude you have about yourself.
Angela Lansbury

A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at.
Bruce Lee

A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough.
Bruce Lee

A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.
Bruce Lee

All fixed set patterns are incapable of adaptability or pliability. The truth is outside of all fixed patterns.
Bruce Lee

Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successfull personality and duplicate it.
Bruce Lee

As you think, so shall you become.
Bruce Lee

Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth. To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one's potential.
Bruce Lee

I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine.
Bruce Lee

If you always put limit on everything you do, physical or anything else. It will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.
Bruce Lee

If you love life, don't waste time, for time is what life is made up of.
Bruce Lee

If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you'll never get it done.
Bruce Lee

It's not the daily increase but daily decrease. Hack away at the unessential.
Bruce Lee

Knowledge will give you power, but character respect.
Bruce Lee

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.
Bruce Lee

Man, the living creature, the creating individual, is always more important than any established style or system.
Bruce Lee

Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.
Bruce Lee

Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind.
Bruce Lee

Real living is living for others.
Bruce Lee

Showing off is the fool's idea of glory.
Bruce Lee

Take no thought of who is right or wrong or who is better than. Be not for or against.
Bruce Lee

Take things as they are. Punch when you have to punch. Kick when you have to kick.
Bruce Lee

The key to immortality is first to live a life worth remembering.
Bruce Lee

The less effort, the faster and more powerful you will be.
Bruce Lee

To hell with circumstances; I create opportunities.
Bruce Lee

To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person.
Bruce Lee

You just wait. I'm going to be the biggest Chinese Star in the world.
Bruce Lee

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant

- M -
Age is other things too. It is wisdom, if one has lived one's life properly. It is experience and knowledge. And it is getting to know all the ways the world turns, so that if you cannot turn the world the way you want, you can at least get out of the way so you won't get run over.
Miriam Makeba

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx

After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.
Bette Midler

I'm not that old.
Nicki Minaj

Say good-bye to Pat, say good-bye to Jack and say good-bye to yourself, because you're a nice guy.
Marilyn Monroe

Age does not protect you from love, but love to some extent protects you from age.
Jeanne Moreau

- N -

- O -
I've been cushioned against having to work, with Rocky's continual bounty.
Richard O'Brien

You can't shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity.
P. J. O'Rourke

- P -
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

I hope I haven't bored you.
Possible last words.
Elvis Presley

Okay, I won't.
Possible last words.
Elvis Presley

Oppan Gangnam style.
PSY

- Q -

- R -
I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Ronald Reagan

Nations do not mistrust each other because they are armed; they are armed because they mistrust each other.
Ronald Reagan

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans.
Ronald Reagan

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.
Will Rogers

Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it.
Will Rogers

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
Will Rogers

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Will Rogers

I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
Will Rogers

If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.
Will Rogers

It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
Will Rogers

When I die, my epitaph, or whatever you call those signs on gravestones, is going to read: I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I dident like. I am so proud of that, I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved.
Will Rogers

You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.
Will Rogers

I'd rather die with my boots on than live on my fuckin' knees.
Hugh Rowland

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner

- S -
I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.
Charlie Sheen

The only thing that endures is character. Fame and wealth - all that is illusion.
O. J. Simpson

I'm losing.
Possible last words.
Frank Sinatra

I'm losing it.
Possible last words.
Frank Sinatra

It was totally a coincidence!
Martha Stewart

- T -
In the end, you're measured not by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.
Donald Trump

I cried on my 18th birthday. I thought 17 was such a nice age. You're young enough to get away with things, but you're old enough, too.
Liv Tyler

- U -
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.
Peter Ustinov

- V -
Don't worry chief, it will be alright.
Rudolph Valentino

Women are not in love with me but with the picture of me on the screen. I am merely the canvas on which women paint their dreams.
Rudolph Valentino

All of us should have free choice when it comes to patriotic displays... a government wisely acting within its bounds will earn loyalty and respect from its citizens. A government dare not demand the same.
Jesse Ventura

As governor, there isn't a lot I can do beyond that to crack down on crime. Law enforcement is really a local issue. It's the cops' job to tighten down on criminals.
Jesse Ventura

Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.
Jesse Ventura

Government works less efficiently when it begins to grow out of control and takes on more and more of the responsibilities that belong to the citizens.
Jesse Ventura

Government's role should be only to keep the playing field level, and to work hand in hand with business on issues such as employment. But beyond this, to as great an extent as possible, it should get the hell out of the way.
Jesse Ventura

I also believe that government has no business telling us how we should live our lives. I think our lifestyle choices should be left up to us. What we do in our private lives is none of the government's business. That position rules out the Republican Party for me.
Jesse Ventura

I asked Dalai Lama the most important question that I think you could ask - if he had ever seen Caddyshack.
Jesse Ventura

I believe in the America people's ability to govern themselves. If government would just get out of the way and allow them to lead their lives as they choose, they will succeed.
Jesse Ventura

I believe patriotism comes from the heart. Patriotism is voluntary. It is a feeling of loyalty and allegiance that is the result of knowledge and belief.
Jesse Ventura

I decided to run for governor because I got mad... I want to make government more directly accountable to the people.
Jesse Ventura

I don't believe we need the government's help as much as some think we do. That belief sets me apart from the Democrats, since their way of dealing with everything is to tax and spend.
Jesse Ventura

I don't support abortion. I could never participate in one. But I think it would be a mistake to make them illegal again.
Jesse Ventura

I don't think I would want the responsibility for enforcing the death penalties. There's always the inevitable question of whether someone you gave the order to execute might truly have been innocent.
Jesse Ventura

I don't want to spend the rest of my life in politics. When I'm finished with my term as governor, I'm going back to the life that's waiting for me in the private sector.
Jesse Ventura

I speak my mind. If it offends some people, well, there's not much I can do about that. But I'm going to be honest. I'm going to continue to speak my mind, and that's who I am.
Jesse Ventura

I'm against the draft. I believe we should have a professional military; it might be smaller, but it would be more effective.
Jesse Ventura

If I could be reincarnated as a fabric, I would come back as a 38 double-D bra.
Jesse Ventura

If I wanna be president, I probably can.
Jesse Ventura

If you were to come to Minnesota, I could have you locked up like that. That's power.
Jesse Ventura

Industrial hemp is a very useful plant. I challenged the attorney general to get rid of the criminal stigma associated with hemp so we can look at it in terms of how it might be useful.
Jesse Ventura

Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers. It tells people to go out and stick their noses in other people's business.
Jesse Ventura

Patriotism is voluntary. It is a feeling of loyalty and allegiance that is the result of knowledge and belief. A patriot shows their their patriotism through their actions, by their choice.
Jesse Ventura

Politics is not my life. I have a career in radio and another career in film.
Jesse Ventura

Remember that government doesn't earn one single dollar it spends. In order for you to get money from the government, that money must first be taken from somebody else.
Jesse Ventura

Students often approached me about state-paid tuition while I was out campaigning. After I explained to them that if the state pays their tuition now, they will pay higher taxes to pay other people's tuition for the rest of their lives, most of them ended up agreeing with me.
Jesse Ventura

The Constitution guarantees us our rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That's all. It doesn't guarantee our rights to charity.
Jesse Ventura

There are a lot of good causes out there, but they can't possibly all be served by government.
Jesse Ventura

There is much more to being a patriot and a citizen than reciting the pledge or raising a flag.
Jesse Ventura

There's no question that we need tougher drunk-driving laws for repeat offenders. We need to take a lesson from European countries where driving isn't a right but a privilege.
Jesse Ventura

We call our country home of the brave and land of the free, but it's not. We give a false portrayal of freedom. We're not free - if we were, we'd allow people their freedom.
Jesse Ventura

When the Constitution gave us the right to bear arms, it also made us responsible for using them properly. It's not fair of us as citizens to lean more heavily on one side of that equation than on the other.
Jesse Ventura

Wrestling is ballet with violence.
Jesse Ventura

You can't legislate morality.
Jesse Ventura

You give me a water board, Dick Cheney and one hour, and I'll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders.
Jesse Ventura

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
Gore Vidal

I'm a born-again atheist.
Gore Vidal

- W -
I don't have a drink problem except when I can't get one.
Tom Waits

Come up and see me sometime.
Mae West

Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie.
Mae West

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
Mae West

Sex is emotion in motion.
Mae West

When I'm bad I'm even better.
Mae West

Carpe per diem.
Seize the check.
Robin Williams

Balding is God's way of showing you are only human ... he takes the hair off your head and sticks it in your ears.
Bruce Willis

I know - I'm just a son of a bitch.
Walter Winchell

I usually get my stuff from people who promised somebody else that they would keep it a secret.
Walter Winchell

Money sometimes makes fools of important persons, but it may also make important persons of fools.
Walter Winchell

Nothing recedes like success.
Walter Winchell

I was like a hit album waiting to be released. I knew my day would come.
Oprah Winfrey

The greatest contribution you can make to women's rights, is to be the absolute ... best at what you do.
Oprah Winfrey

- X -

- Y -
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.
Henny Youngman

Take my wife-please.
Henny Youngman

- Z -