A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

- A -
A consultant is a person who takes your money and annoys your employees while tirelessly searching for the best way to extend the consulting contract.
Scott Adams

By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice it's difficult to sort them out.
Scott Adams

Consultants eventually leave, which makes them excellent scapegoats for major management blunders.
Scott Adams

Good advertising can make people buy your product even if it sucks ... A dollar spent on brainwashing is more cost-effective than a dollar spent on product improvement.
Scott Adams

He had been kicked in the head by a mule when young, and believed everything he read in the Sunday papers.
George Ade

She was short on intellect, but long on shape.
George Ade

Every great scientific truth goes through three stages. First, people say it conflicts with the Bible. Next, they say it has been discovered before. Lastly, they say they have always believed it.
Louis Agassiz

A celebrity is one who works hard all his life to become well-known and then goes through back streets wearing dark glasses so he won't be recognized.
Fred Allen

A conference is a gathering of important people who, singly, can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen

Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.
Fred Allen

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
Fred Allen

Let's give a welcome to Macaca here.
George Allen

A stockbroker is someone who takes all your money and invests it until it's gone.
Woody Allen

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
Woody Allen

It was partially my fault that we got divorced ... I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen

A bachelor is one who enjoys the chase but does not eat the game.
Anonymous

A test of whether you have achieved true fame is when a deranged person believes himself to be you.
Anonymous

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
Anonymous

All the world is mad, except thee and me, and even thee's a little mad at times.
Anonymous

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Anonymous

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Anonymous

I love a Martini, said Mabel,
I only have two at the most,
After three, I am under the table,
After four, I am under my host.

Anonymous

If the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine as old as the fish, and the fish as young as the maid, and the maid as willing as the hostess, it would have been a very good meal.
Anonymous

Marriage is the price men pay for sex; sex is the price women pay for marriage.
Anonymous

Never marry for money, but marry where money is.
Anonymous

On the door to success it says: push and pull.
Anonymous

Publicity is easy to get. Just be so successful you don't need it, and then you'll get it.
Anonymous

She was poor but she was honest,
Victim of a rich man's game.
First he loved her, then he left her,
And she lost her maiden name ...
It's the same the whole world over,
It's the poor wot gets the blame,
It's the rich wot gets the gravy.
Ain't it all a bleedin' shame?

Anonymous

Some time when you're feeling important
Some time when your ego's in bloom
Some time when you feel you are
The best qualified man in the room,
Some time when you feel that your going
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow this simple instruction
And see how it humbles the soul.
Take a bucket and fill it with water
Place your hands in it up to your wrists
Take them out and the hole that remains
Is a measure of how you'll be missed.
You may splash all you like as they enter
You may stir up the water galore
But take them out and in just a moment
It will look just the same as before.
The moral of this is quite simple
Just do the best that you can.
Be proud of yourself but remember
There is no indispensable man.

Anonymous

Someone has said that the ideal life is to live in an English country home, engage a Chinese cook, marry a Japanese wife, and take a French mistress.
Anonymous

The codfish lays ten thousand eggs
The homely hen lays one.
The codfish never cackles
To tell you that she's done.
And so we scorn the codfish,
While the humble hen we prize,
Which only goes to show you
That it pays to advertise.

Anonymous

There are three kinds of lie: a small lie, a big lie and politics.
Anonymous

There are three statements that you should never believe: (1) A cheque is in the post; (2) I am from the Government and I am here to help you; (3) Of course, darling, I will still respect you in the morning.
Anonymous

What the brassière said to the top hat: You go on ahead while I give these two a lift.
Anonymous

When God gave out heads,
I thought He said Beds,
and I asked for a soft one.

When God gave out looks,
I thought He said books,
and I didn't want any.

When God gave out noses,
I thought He said roses
and I asked for a red one.

When God gave out ears,
I thought He said beers,
and I asked for two big ones.

When God gave out chins,
I thought He said gins,
and I asked for a double.

When God gave out brains,
I thought He said trains
and I said I'd take the next one.

When God gave out legs,
I thought He said kegs,
so I ordered two fat ones.

Since then I'm trying to listen better.

Anonymous

When the client moans and sighs
Make his logo twice the size.
If he still should prove refractory,
Show a picture of a factory.
Only in the gravest cases
Should youshow the clients' faces.

Anonymous

Women's faults are many
Men have only two:
Everything they say
And everything they do.

Anonymous

Managers who are skilled communicators may also be good at covering up real problems.
Chris Argyris

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.
Margot Asquith

At last the secret is out, as it always must come in the end,
The delicious story is ripe to tell to the intimate friend;
Over the tea-cups and in the square the tongue has its desire;
Still waters run deep, my dear, there's never smoke without fire.

W. H. Auden

Woe betide the man who dares to pay a woman a compliment today ... Forget the flowers, the chocolates, the soft word - rather woo her with a self-defence manual in one hand and a family planning leaflet in the other.
Alan Ayckbourn

- B -
She used to diet on any kind of food she could lay her hands on.
Arthur Baer

When you apply the word power to a man, it means strong and bold - very positive attributes. When you use it to describe a woman, it suggests bitchy, insensitive, hard.
Jill Barad

For man's greatest crime is to have been born.
Pedro Calderón de la Barca

There's a sucker born every minute.
P. T. Barnum

Beauty comes in all sizes - not just size 5.
Roseanne Barr

Have you noticed ... there is never any third act in a nightmare? They bring you to a climax of terror and then leave you there. They are the work of poor dramatists.
Max Beerbohm

I was ... court-martialled in my absence, sentenced to death in my absence. So I said, right, you can shoot me in my absence.
Brendan Behan

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Robert Benchley

I never sleep through a performance. I always make sure that I am awake for the intermission.
Robert Benchley

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
Robert Benchley

Life, you know, is rather like opening a tin of sardines. We're all of us looking for the key.
Alan Bennett

Standards are always out of date. That is what makes them standards.
Alan Bennett

The rough broad difference between the American and the European business man is that the latter is anxious to leave his work, while the former is anxious to get to it.
Arnold Bennett

You don't look so hot yourself.
Yogi Berra

Poor fellow, he suffers from files.
Aneurin Bevan

BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think.
Ambrose Bierce

CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
Ambrose Bierce

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.
Josh Billings

As a general rule, if you want to get at the truth - hear both sides and believe neither.
Josh Billings

In youth we run into difficulties; in old age difficulties run into us.
Josh Billings

When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him.
Josh Billings

When a dog bites a man, that isn't news. It often happens. But if a man bites a dog, that is news.
John B. Bogart

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Erma Bombeck

Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
Erma Bombeck

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.
Erma Bombeck

Guidelines for bureaucrats: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble.
James Boren

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.
James Boren

That favourite subject, Myself.
James Boswell

I believe in benevolent dictatorships, provided I am the dictator.
Richard Branson

The fence around a cemetery is foolish, for those inside can't come out and those outside don't want to get in.
Arthur Brisbane

The funny thing is better TV shows don't cost that much more than lousy TV shows.
Warren Buffett

The market will pay better to entertain than educate.
Warren Buffett

Wall Street is the only place people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from people who take the subway.
Warren Buffett

Our wrangling lawyers ... are so litigious and busy here on earth, that I think they will plead their clients' causes hereafter, some of them in hell.
Robert Burton

Home, Sweet Home must surely have been written by a bachelor.
Samuel Butler

All tragedies are finish'd by death,
All comedies are ended by a marriage.

George Byron

- C -
When they ask me, Who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan? I'm going to say, You know, I don't know. Do you know?
Herman Cain

If you are ever in doubt as to whether or not you should kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.
Thomas Carlyle

That's the reason they're called lessons, the Gryphon remarked: because they lessen from day to day.
Lewis Carroll

Clothes are our weapons, our challenges, and our visible insult.
Angela Carter

Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.
Angela Carter

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too.
Anton Chekhov

When a woman isn't beautiful, people always say, You have lovely eyes, you have lovely hair.
Anton Chekhov

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.
G. K. Chesterton

My country, right or wrong is a thing no patriot would ever think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, My mother, drunk or sober.
G. K. Chesterton

Of all the modern phenomena, the most monstrous and ominous, the most manifestly rotting with disease, the most grimly prophetic of destruction, the most clearly and unmistakably inspired by evil spirits, the most instantly and awfully overshadowed by the wrath of heaven, the most near to madness and moral chaos, the most vivid with devilry and despair, is the practice of having to listen to loud music while eating a meal in a restaurant.
G. K. Chesterton

There is a great deal of difference between the eager man who wants to read a book and the tired man who wants a book to read.
G. K. Chesterton

History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
Winston Churchill

Odd things animals. All dogs look up at you. All cats look down at you. Only a pig looks at you as an equal.
Winston Churchill

When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again.
Bill Clinton

Courtship is to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
William Congreve

Imprisoned in every fat man a thin one is wildly signalling to be let out.
Cyril Connolly

That's what I say about restaurants - the back part is manufacturing, the front part is retailing, the theatre is what holds the whole thing together.
Terence Conran

I think there's a terrific merit in having no sense of humour, no sense of irony, practically no sense of anything at all. If you're born with these so-called defects you have a very good chance of getting to the top. That's what's enabled her [Mrs. Thatcher] to turn Britain into a cross between Singapore and Telford.
Peter Cook

If you don't say anything you won't be called on to repeat it.
Calvin Coolidge

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten-pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
Tommy Cooper

The thing that best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.
Bill Cosby

I can take any amount of criticism, so long as it is unqualified praise.
Noël Coward

I was delighted to see that you thought I was as good as I thought I was.
Noël Coward

Never trust men with short legs. Brains too near their bottoms.
Noël Coward

Time has convinced me of one thing. Television is for appearing on, not for looking at.
Noël Coward

But what is woman? - only one of Nature's agreeable blunders.
Hannah Cowley

I would be married, but I'd have no wife, I would be married to a single life.
Richard Crashaw

- D -
I have never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I have read with pleasure.
Clarence Darrow

Running after women never hurt anybody - it's catching 'em that does the damage.
Jack Davies

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
Les Dawson

A mountain in labour shouted so loud that everyone, summoned by the noise, ran up expecting that she would be delivered of a city bigger than Paris; she brought forth a mouse.
Jean de La Fontaine

See how the rascals use me! They will not let my play run and yet they steal my thunder!
John Dennis

Minds are like parachutes: they only function when they are open.
James Dewar

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disraeli

Whoever loves, if he do not propose
The right true end of love, he's one that goes
To sea for nothing but to make him sick.

John Donne

- E -
A joke is not a thing but a process, a trick you play on the listener's mind. You start him off toward a plausible goal, and then by a sudden twist you land him nowhere at all or just where he didn't expect to go.
Max Eastman

Humour is the instinct for taking pain playfully.
Max Eastman

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humour.
Max Eastman

Some of them think they have me by the balls, but their hands aren't big enough.
Bernie Ecclestone

We are willing to spend the least amount of money to keep a kid at home, more to put him in a foster home, and the most to institutionalize him.
Marian Edelman

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

We will ship them our garbage. We believe in full disclosure.
Larry Ellison

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
Evan Esar

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
Sam Ewing

Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork.
Sam Ewing

When the meek inherit the earth, lawyers will be there to work out the deal.
Sam Ewing

- F -
We're not quarrelling! We're in complete agreement! We hate each other!
Nanette Fabray

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields

England is the paradise of women, the purgatory of men, and the hell of horses.
John Florio

Any customer can have a car painted any color that he wants so long as it is black.
Henry Ford

History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
Anatole France

The books that everybody admires are those that nobody reads.
Anatole France

God heals and the doctor takes the fees.
Benjamin Franklin

He that falls in love with himself, will have no rivals.
Benjamin Franklin

He that lies down with dogs shall rise up with fleas.
Benjamin Franklin

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
David Frost

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
Robert Frost

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
Robert Frost

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's the wife who can't cook and will.
Robert Frost

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors.
Stephen Fry

- G -
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
Ed Gardner

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
Philip Gibbs

Diplomacy is to do and say
The nastiest thing in the nicest way.

Isaac Goldberg

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Samuel Goldwyn

- H -
Brain cells create ideas. Stress kills brain cells. Stress is not a good idea.
Doug Hall

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
Christopher Hampton

My momma always said, life was like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get.
Tom Hanks

Oh, innocent victims of Cupid,
Remember this terse little verse;
To let a fool kiss you is stupid,
To let a kiss fool you is worse.

E. Y. Harburg

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Richard Harkness

Three things happen when you get to my age. First your memory starts to go ... and I have forgotten the other two.
Denis Healey

Taking fun as simply fun and earnestness in earnest shows how thoroughly thou none of the two discernest.
Piet Hein

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's; she changes it more often.
Oliver Herford

A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.
Don Herold

If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.
Don Herold

It is a good thing that life is not as serious as it seems to a waiter.
Don Herold

An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything into an empty head.
Eric Hoffer

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope

A man has his clothes made to fit him; a woman makes herself fit her clothes.
E. W. Howe

A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour.
Elbert Hubbard

If we cannot be powerful and happy and prey on others, we invent conscience and prey on ourselves.
Elbert Hubbard

Young women with ambitions should be very crafty and cautious, lest mayhap they be caught in the soft, silken mesh of a happy marriage, and go down to oblivion, dead to the world.
Elbert Hubbard

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
Kin Hubbard

I cannot but bless the memory of Julius Caesar, for the great esteem he expressed for fat men, and his aversion to lean ones.
David Hume

- I -
Whenever a man's friends begin to compliment him about looking young, he may be sure that they think he is growing old.
Washington Irving

- J -
I like liquor - its taste and its effects - and that is just the reason why I never drink it.
Stonewall Jackson

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
Thomas Jefferson

If you haven't struck oil in your first three minutes, stop boring!
George Jessel

A speech is a solemn responsibility. The man who makes a bad thirty-minute speech to two hundred people wastes only a half-hour of his own time. But he wastes one hundred hours of the audience's time - more than four days - which should be a hanging offense.
Jenkin Lloyd Jones

- K -
Business is like sex. When it's good, it's very, very good; when it's not so good, it's still good.
George Katona

I feel sorry for those who live without competition ... fat, dumb, and unhappy in cradle-to-grave security.
Donald Kendall

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
Florynce Kennedy

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy

Do you know what Lisa Olson has in common with the Iraqis? They've both seen Patriot missiles up close.
Victor Kiam

I don't like to hire consultants. They're like castrated bulls: all they can do is advise.
Victor Kiam

I see nothing wrong with power as long as I am the fellow who has it.
Cecil King

I don't suffer fools, and I like to see fools suffer.
Florence King

Being kissed by a man who didn't wax his moustache was - like eating an egg without salt.
Rudyard Kipling

What do you do when your competitor's drowning? Get a live hose and stick it in his mouth.
Ray Kroc

- L -
When you ask one friend to dine,
Give him your best wine!
When you ask two,
The second best will do!

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground, and swish my tail.
Anne Elizabeth Alice Louise

The trouble with marriage is that, while every woman is at heart a mother, every man is at heart a bachelor.
E. V. Lucas

- M -
The living are just the dead on holiday.
Maurice Maeterlinck

A hypocrite is a person who - but who isn't?
Don Marquis

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis

An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
Don Marquis

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you.
Don Marquis

It is a cheering thought to think that God is on the side of the best digestion.
Don Marquis

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Don Marquis

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis

Prohibition makes you want to cry in your beer, and denies you the beer to cry into.
Don Marquis

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx

I always wait for the Times each morning. I look at the obituary column and if I'm not in it, I go to work.
A. E. Matthews

People often feed the hungry so that nothing may disturb their own enjoyment of a good meal.
W. Somerset Maugham

Except for the con men borrowing money they shouldn't get and the widows who have to visit with the handsome young men in the trust department, no sane person ever enjoyed visiting a bank.
Martin Mayer

A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.
H. L. Mencken

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make a better soup.
H. L. Mencken

In the main, there are two sorts of books: those that no one reads and those that no one ought to read.
H. L. Mencken

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
H. L. Mencken

Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles.
George Mikes

When I am sad and weary
When I think all hope has gone
When I walk along High Holborn
I think of you with nothing on.

Adrian Mitchell

Death and taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them.
Margaret Mitchell

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford

Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
George Moore

Show me the man who has enjoyed his schooldays and I will show you a bully and a bore.
Robert Morley

No brilliance is needed in the law. Nothing but common sense, and relatively clean finger nails.
John Mortimer

It has to be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a very unsatisfactory place to have it.
Malcolm Muggeridge

Money is like manure. If you spread it around, it does a lot of good, but if you pile it up in one place, it stinks like hell.
Clint Murchison

- N -
And one thing I'd like to point out is that the system worked.
Janet Napolitano

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
Ogden Nash

Beneath this slab
John Brown is stowed
He watched the ads
And not the road.

Ogden Nash

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, And that's what parents were created for.
Ogden Nash

When a woman is wearing shorts her charms are enlarged without being enhanced.
Beverley Nichols

And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Middle age is when, wherever you go on holiday, you pack a sweater.
Denis Norden

- O -
Everywhere I go I am asked if university stifles writers. My opinion is that it doesn't stifle enough of them.
Flannery O'Connor

I feel these days like a very large flamingo. No matter what way I turn, there is always a very large bill.
Joseph O'Connor

Bureaucratic time ... slower than geologic time but more expensive than time spent with Madame Claude's girls in Paris.
P. J. O'Rourke

Dating is a social engagement with the threat of sex at its conclusion.
P. J. O'Rourke

Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
P. J. O'Rourke

It is a mistake to use highfalutin language when you advertise to uneducated people. I once used the word obsolete in a headline, only to discover that 43 per cent of the housewives had no idea what it meant. In another headline, I used the word ineffable, only to discover that I didn't know what it meant myself.
David Ogilvy

- P -
In 1969 I published a small book on Humility. It was a pioneering work which has not, to my knowledge, been superseded.
Francis Pakenham

The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick.
Sarah Palin

By the time you say you're his,
Shivering and sighing
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.

Dorothy Parker

Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

Dorothy Parker

Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.

Dorothy Parker

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it is the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
S. J. Perelman

I come from an environment where, if you see a snake, you kill it. At General Motors, if you see a snake, the first thing you do is hire a consultant on snakes.
Ross Perot

The debt is like a crazy aunt we keep down in the basement. All the neighbors know she's there, but nobody wants to talk about her.
Ross Perot

Oops.
Rick Perry

The noblest of all dogs is the hot-dog; it feeds the hand that bites it.
Laurence J. Peter

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

The best index to a person's character is (a) how he treats people who can't do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can't fight back.
Pauline Phillips

Chief executives, who themselves own few shares of their companies, have no more feeling for the average stockholder than they do for baboons in Africa.
T. Boone Pickens

We Bishops, in our proper dress, originated the mini-skirt. But we allowed Mary Quant to steal the thunder and make three million quid out of it last year.
Victor J. Pike

I'm not afraid of life and I'm not afraid of death: Dying's the bore.
Katherine Anne Porter

Cured yesterday of my disease. I died last night of the physician.
Mathew Prior

- Q -
In many walks of life, a conscience is a more expensive encumbrance than a wife or a carriage.
Thomas De Quincey

- R -
A friend of mine was asked to a costume ball a short time ago. He slapped some egg on his face and went as a liberal economist.
Ronald Reagan

Inflation is as violent as a mugger, as frightening as an armed robber, and as deadly as a hit man.
Ronald Reagan

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans.
Ronald Reagan

To run this business ... you need ... optimism, humanism, enthusiasm, intuition, curiosity, love, humour, magic and fun, and that secret ingredient - euphoria.
Anita Roddick

Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it.
Will Rogers

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Will Rogers

I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
Will Rogers

Outside of traffic, there is nothing that has held this country back as much as committees.
Will Rogers

You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.
Will Rogers

Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
Leo Rosten

Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.
Leo Rosten

A bachelor gets tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid getting tied up by one.
Helen Rowland

A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women, and yet has the art to remain a bachelor.
Helen Rowland

Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
Helen Rowland

Nowdays most women grow old gracefully; most men, disgracefully.
Helen Rowland

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they don't understand one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
Helen Rowland

Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless; peacocks and lilies for instance.
John Ruskin

The man who accepts the laissez-faire doctrine would allow his garden to grow wild so that roses might fight it out with the weeds and the fittest might survive.
John Ruskin

- S -
Fashion is something barbarous for it produces innovation without reason and imitation without benefit.
George Santayana

Contract: an agreement that is binding on the weaker party.*
*Attribution questionable.
Frederick Sawyer

As I grow older and older
And totter towards the tomb,
I find that I care less and less
Who goes to bed with whom.

Dorothy L. Sayers

There's a time when you have to explain to your children why they're born, and it's a marvelous thing if you know the reason by then.
Hazel Scott

Please return this book; I find that though many of my friends are poor arithmeticians, they are nearly all good bookkeepers.
Walter Scott

Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
Pete Seeger

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope, which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
Dr. Seuss

Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?
George Bernard Shaw

Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
George Bernard Shaw

I think the most ridiculous sight in the world is a man on a bicycle, working away with his feet as hard as he possibly can, and believing that his horse is carrying him, instead of, as anyone can see, he carrying the horse.
George Bernard Shaw

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
George Bernard Shaw

The natural term of the affection of the human animal for its offspring is six years.
George Bernard Shaw

What God hath joined together no man shall ever put asunder; God will take care of that.
George Bernard Shaw

What if the child inherits my beauty and your brains?
George Bernard Shaw

I can't stand whispering. Every time a doctor whispers in the hospital, next day there's a funeral.
Neil Simon

Inconsistency is the only thing in which men are consistent.
Horace Smith

Gentlemen, you are now about to embark on a course of studies which will occupy you for two years. Together, they form a noble adventure. But I would like to remind you of an important point. Nothing that you will learn in the course of your studies will be of the slightest possible use to you in after life, save only this, that if you work hard and intelligently you should be able to detect when a man is talking rot, and that, in my view, is the main, if not the sole, purpose of education.
John Alexander Smith

Nothing that you will learn in the course of your studies will be of the slightest possible use to you in after life - save only this - that if you work hard and intelligently you should be able to detect when a man is talking rot, and that, in my view, is the main, if not the sole, purpose of education.
John Alexander Smith

Most people sell their souls and live with a good conscience on the proceeds.
Logan Pearsall Smith

Going to marry her! Impossible! You mean a part of her; he could not marry her all himself ... There is enough of her to furnish wives for a whole parish ... You might people a colony with her; or give an assembly with her; or perhaps take your morning's walk round her, always provided there were frequent resting-places, and you were in rude health.
Sydney Smith

Being over seventy is like being engaged in a war. All our friends are going or gone and we survive amongst the dead and the dying as on a battlefield.
Muriel Spark

Modesty is the only sure bait when you angle for praise.
Philip Stanhope

The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
Philip Stanhope

Don't cut my throat, I may want to do that later myself.
Casey Stengel

Don't drink in the hotel bar, that's where I do my drinking.
Casey Stengel

I wish either my father or my mother, or indeed both of them, as they were in duty both equally bound to it, had minded what they were about when they begot me.
Laurence Sterne

I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
Adlai Stevenson

A diplomat ... is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Caskie Stinnett

There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.
Rex Stout

Family! ... the home of all social evil, a charitable institution for comfortable women, an anchorage for house-fathers, and a hell for children.
August Strindberg

I loathe people who keep dogs. They're cowards who have not got the guts to bite people themselves.
August Strindberg

There should be some professional exam for these analysts. Most of the time they talk through their backsides.
Alan Sugar

There are three things I always forget. Names, faces, and - the third I can't remember.
Italo Svevo

He was a bold man that first eat an oyster.
Jonathan Swift

I shall be like that tree, I shall die at the top.
Jonathan Swift

There are few wild beasts more to be dreaded than a talking man having nothing to say.
Jonathan Swift

- T -
Nothing grows in our garden, only washing. And babies.
Dylan Thomas

Boys are perhaps beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of eighteen months and ninety years.
James Thurber

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.
James Thurber

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.
James Thurber

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin

I have found that the best way to give advise to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
Harry S. Truman

It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
Harry S. Truman

Those who want the Government to regulate matters of the mind and spirit are like men who are afraid of being murdered that they commit suicide to avoid assassination.
Harry S. Truman

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
Mark Twain

An uneasy conscience is a hair in the mouth.
Mark Twain

Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
Mark Twain

Don't go to sleep, so many people die there.
Mark Twain

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
Mark Twain

He had had much experience of physicians, and said the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not.
Mark Twain

I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it.
Mark Twain

I was born modest, but it didn't last.
Mark Twain

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain

In the matter of diet - I have been persistently strict in sticking to the things that didn't agree with me until one or the other of us got the best of it.
Mark Twain

It is a free press ... There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press.
Mark Twain

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
Mark Twain

Leavin' me as happy as a dog with two tails.
Mark Twain

[Mankind] in its poverty, has unquestionably one really effective weapon - laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution - these can lift at a colossal humbug - push it a little, weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Mark Twain

Simple rules for saving money: To save half, when you are fired by an eager impulse to contribute to charity, wait, and count to forty. To save three-quarters, count sixty. To save it all, count sixty-five.
Mark Twain

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.
Mark Twain

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did; I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.
Mark Twain

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain

- U -

- V -
Never have children, only grandchildren.
Gore Vidal

Begin, baby boy: if you haven't had a smile for your parent, then neither will a god think you worth inviting to dinner, nor a goddess to bed.
Virgil

- W -
Lawyers should never marry other lawyers. This is called inbreeding, from which comes idiot children and more lawyers.
David Wayne

A cynic is a man who looks at the world with a monocle in his mind's eye.
Carolyn Wells

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
Mae West

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Mae West

An unalterable and unquestioned law of the musical world required that the German text of French operas sung by Swedish artists should be translated into Italian for the clearer understanding of English-speaking audiences.
Edith Wharton

After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations.
Oscar Wilde

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
Oscar Wilde

Be careful to choose your enemies well. Friends don't much matter. But the choice of enemies is very important.
Oscar Wilde

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
Oscar Wilde

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
Oscar Wilde

Divorces are made in heaven.
Oscar Wilde

Fashion is what one wears oneself. What is unfashionable is what other people wear.
Oscar Wilde

I can believe in anything, provided that it is quite incredible.
Oscar Wilde

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. I have not one who is a fool. They are all men of some intellectual power, and consequently they all appreciate me.
Oscar Wilde

I don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty.
Oscar Wilde

I like hearing myself talk. It is one of my greatest pleasures. I often have long conversations with myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde

I only care to see doctors when I am in perfect health; then they comfort one, but when one is ill they are most depressing.
Oscar Wilde

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But ... it is better to be good than to be ugly.
Oscar Wilde

It is only about things that do not interest one that one can give a really unbiassed opinion, which is no doubt the reason why an unbiassed opinion is always absolutely valueless.
Oscar Wilde

Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious: both are disappointed.
Oscar Wilde

Mrs. Allonby: They say, Lady Hunstanton, that when good Americans die they go to Paris.
Lady Hunstanton: Indeed? And when bad Americans die, where do they go to?
Lord Illingworth: Oh, they go to America.

Oscar Wilde

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
Oscar Wilde

The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.
Oscar Wilde

The only possible form of exercise is to talk, not to walk.
Oscar Wilde

Those whom the gods hate die old.
Oscar Wilde

To make a good salad is to be a brilliant diplomatist - the problem is entirely the same in both cases. To know how much oil one must mix with one's vinegar.
Oscar Wilde

To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.
Oscar Wilde

When I ask for a watercress sandwich, I do not mean a loaf with a field in the middle of it.
Oscar Wilde

When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know that it is.
Oscar Wilde

When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself; and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde

When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong.
Oscar Wilde

Where will it all end? Half the world does not believe in God, and the other half does not believe in me.
Oscar Wilde

I've met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.
Billy Wilder

Balding is God's way of showing you are only human ... he takes the hair off your head and sticks it in your ears.
Bruce Willis

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; and now I have six children, and no theories.
John Wilmot

You cannot hope to bribe or twist (thank God!) the British journalist. But, seeing what the man will do unbribed, there's no occasion to.
Humbert Wolfe

The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.
Virginia Woolf

All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott

An ambassador is an honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.
Henry Wotton

The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Frank Lloyd Wright

- X -

- Y -
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.
Henny Youngman

My wife wanted her face lifted. They couldn't do that. But for $80, they lowered her body.
Henny Youngman

Now she's on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight. But she can climb a tree!
Henny Youngman

Take my wife-please.
Henny Youngman

- Z -